The Path to Serenity

If you haven't read our previous blog posts, I suggest you do that first so you can get caught up on what's been happening in our lives through the last 2 1/2 years. It has been quite the crazy road, but we are now on to a new, exciting chapter! 

Let me start with a part of the story that not many people know. Back in 2011, when Scott and I were still at the beginning of this adoption journey, we were sitting and watching TV together one evening. In my thoughts, God told me, very clearly, "Pray for your little girl right now." Now, before you think I'm crazy, I want you to know that this has never happened to me before; I have never been someone who went around saying that God spoke to me, but this was the clearest thing and I felt the sense of urgency in my soul. I turned to Scott with tears in my eyes and I said, "We are supposed to pray for our little girl." We immediately turned off the TV, took each other's hands and prayed together. This was before we had really moved forward with anything, this was before we had experienced all of the heartache we have now been through. We had no idea why, but we needed to pray for our little girl right then and we never stopped praying for her after that night. 

Fast forward almost two years (and if you read our first blog post, you will know what happened in those two years): We have experienced a lot of set backs, closed doors, and heartaches. We have been told "no" at almost every turn, but we have both decided together that Bethany is the agency we are supposed to be working with now. It is Sept. 2013 and we are filling out the paperwork needed to start our home study process. Now that we have a path and feel like this is where God is leading us, we are not holding back and are moving full speed ahead. We're moving so quickly, in fact, that I have to nudge our social worker a few times to let her know that we've filled everything out and are ready to move forward! She was surprised, it usually takes families months to complete everything that is needed, and she called me the paperwork queen! 

We were ready to start our home study visits! We finished those in just two weeks (3 visits in total) and finished the rest of our paperwork. It was now the end of October and we just had to wait for our 17 page home study document to be written up by our social worker and then approved by the agency. Once that was completed, we would need to pay another large sum to the agency and they would then begin to show our profile books to expectant mothers... or so we thought.

On Nov. 22nd, Scott and I were driving to our church to gather a bunch of teenagers and take them to Portland for an all-night event. On the way there I received an e-mail from our social worker, it said that there was a baby boy due in March that needed a family. She mentioned that our home study was not complete but they wanted to see if we wanted to be considered because they were thinking of moving this situation up to the national level (they start by just showing profiles that are local). We read through the information together, totally surprised that we were being asked to consider a baby so quickly. The information was a bit overwhelming, there was a lot of history to consider and her baby boy could face some challenges in the future. We thought about it, prayed about it, and talked about it over the next couple of days, and in the end we both felt a peace about saying yes, we did want to be considered. No, this was not a girl (like we felt God was leading us toward) and no, we were not sure we could handle the challenges this placement might present, but we both felt like we were supposed to move forward in faith and trust that God's plan would happen. We also felt like this was just the first time our profile was being shown, there was no way we would be picked on the first time! 

A couple weeks later, Scott and I were sitting in our living room in the evening after work when I received another e-mail from our social worker. The expectant mom that was considering our profile had met with the pregnancy counselor again and had chosen to meet with us! My heart beat faster as I read through the e-mail, seeing that we were actually being considered to parent a little boy that was coming in just a few short months, and taking in the updated information from the expectant mom's last doctor's appointment. And then my heart stopped, there toward the end of the e-mail, mentioned as an aside, it said, "apparently there was a mix up on the ultrasound. The child is actually a little girl." Tears sprang into my eyes, I turned my phone to Scott to show him the e-mail and said, "It's a girl!" 

It was so much to take in! The amount of excitement that comes when someone says they want to meet with you in an adoption situation is just crazy, but at the same time you are telling yourself not to get too excited because there are many people that are being considered and the chances are not high that you will be picked. But the baby is a girl! That is the part that kept echoing through both of our hearts. Maybe, just maybe, this was our baby girl. 

The next two months were a complete roller coaster. We were given several dates in Dec. that we might meet, but none of them worked out. This expectant mom was in an unsteady situation and the agency wanted her to be in a more stable living environment before she met with us. This meant that we went through two months of worrying and wondering. It felt like it was never going to happen and yet the agency kept assuring us that she wanted to meet with us. 

Toward the end of January we received another e-mail saying that this expectant mom was now ready to set up a meeting with us. She had been in an out of the hospital with high blood pressure and would like to meet with us there. We gave them a few dates that would work for us and waited for the date, time, and place to be set. Finally it was set, we were going to meet with this expectant mom on Jan. 29th in the afternoon. 

During those couple of months we had been waiting, my ever planning brain was in overdrive. I kept thinking about the worst case scenario. I was playing over and over in my head how rough our life would be if we were picked and this child was born with or developed all sorts of different problems. Some of these scenarios were real concerns, some were a bit of an exaggeration, but it didn't matter, my brain would not shut off and I was having a VERY hard time. I was researching constantly, I was talking to people who knew a lot about these sorts of situations and talking to people who really didn't know anything about it; both were making it harder on me. There were times that I would be in tears, just praying to God to guide us and our decisions. It was a very difficult time for me. I talked to Scott about it constantly, I don't think he knew exactly what to do with all of my emotions, but he stayed strong throughout the time. He knew that we were following God's leading for our lives and we just needed to continue to trust in Him. I wish it had been that easy for me! 

As Jan. 29th got closer, I prayed more and more. I knew that God did not owe it to me to show me that we were taking the right path, but, man, did I wish He would. Finally, as we were entering that week, I asked God that this expectant mom and I would have similar ideas when it came to names for this child. I knew that I was asking for a confirmation that God did not have to grant, but I needed something, my mind was too conflicted. 

So, Jan. 28th, I e-mailed our social worker to check in with her and see what the plan was for the next day, she told me she would check in with the pregnancy counselor and get back with me. About an hour later my phone rang, it was our social worker and she said, "[Birth mom] had an emergency c-section this morning, baby girl is here. She weighs 3lbs. 1oz. and is doing great. She is even breathing on her own." I'm really not sure how much more I heard after that. Although I did catch the fact that she would still like to meet with us the next day. 

Then our social worker told me that the birth mom had a name in mind for her baby girl. I immediately thought, "Oh, here we go...". She said, "[Birth mom] likes the name Tavina, it means beautiful person." But that wasn't the name we had picked out. It wasn't even a similar meaning... Now what? I told our social worker that we had already picked out a name, several years ago in fact, but that we would consider doing a double middle name if that is what she wanted. I felt bad saying that, obviously this person was giving us so much, couldn't we give a little on the name? But this was going to be our child, we both felt strongly that we needed to pick out her name. 

We didn't actually end up meeting with this birth mom until the 30th, but when we did, it was great. We were SO extremely nervous, but we got along well with her and things seemed to click. About halfway through our meeting, the pregnancy counselor asked us if we had any names picked out. I turned to Scott, knowing that this mom already had a name picked out and not wanting to offend her, but also feeling that we needed to be open and honest about it. I hesitated, looked at the mom sitting across from me and said, "Yes, we have had a name picked out for a little girl for several years, we like the name Serenity Marilyn." 

The mom leaned back in her chair and said, "Oh." I really wasn't sure how to take that. Then she continued, "May God strike me dead, that is one of the names (Serenity) I had picked out just the other day. I never even told my pregnancy counselor about it." 

Scott and I smiled at each other, not sure if we should believe what she was saying since we had been told a different name and we didn't want her to just tell us what we wanted to hear, but still excited that she seemed to like the name. I then continued by saying, "And we have always had a name picked out for a boy too... Malachi." 

The birth mom looked me in the eye and said, "That is my son's name."

Wow... all 5 of us at that table (birth mom, Scott, me, social worker, and pregnancy counselor) got chills and goosebumps up and down our arms. I once again had tears in my eyes as I explained to her that I had asked God to give me a confirmation that we were moving in the right direction. Not only did He give us that confirmation, but He gave us a double confirmation. He didn't give it to us before the meeting, He wanted us to continue moving forward, trusting in Him, then He would let us know that we were on the right path and give us more confirmation than we had even asked of Him. 

Throughout the rest of our meeting with birth mom, she kept thinking back to that connection we had on the names. She repeatedly said, "This whole name thing is really throwing me." It was clear that she had a lot to think about, but she had even recognized the significance of this name similarity and it was on her mind the rest of the time.

It wasn't smooth sailing from there, the day after we met, we found out from our social worker that we had been placed on hold (which meant we would not be shown to any other expectant moms), but that this birth mom wanted to speak with two other families to make sure she was making the right decision. Talk about a blow to the ego and a painful time, but we knew that this was our path, we had received our confirmation, the problem was... This mom could choose to ignore that. 

Finally, almost two weeks later, I received a phone call from our social worker. We had been chosen! We needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible to meet our little girl! There was so much that happened that day, but I will save that for the next blog post, this one is starting to look like a short book! It has been over two weeks now that our little girl has been home and we are so glad we were chosen to be her parents. It has taken quite a bit to get used to our "new normal", but we are enjoying every second and can't wait to see what God has planned for our new, 3-person family and especially for our little Serenity Marilyn!